Reflections on The Book of Joy by H.H. the Dalai Lama, Archbishop Desmond Tutu and Douglas Abrams

I recently discovered the Book of Joy, which is based on a five-day conversation between the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu. The book and the film of the historic meeting present eight pillars of joy that these two great spiritual leaders have used to sustain their mind and heart states through immense difficulty and tragedy. While the book is eight years old, it’s hard to imagine a time when it could be more relevant and needed than now. I hope the ideas here will inspire you to engage in joy practices in your own life and share them with your clients and loved ones.

The Dalai Lama, world leader of Tibetan Buddhism, lives in exile from his home country of Tibet to escape violent control by the Chinese government. He's been unable to return to his home for over 60 years.

Desmond Tutu was a pivotal leader in helping South Africa fight and end apartheid. Tutu was the Anglican Archbishop who worked to help draw world attention to the violent racist political structure of apartheid and influence its being overturned in 1990. He later oversaw the Truth and Reconciliation Commission that investigated human rights abuses and sought to facilitate healing following the dissolution of apartheid policies in South Africa. (The Archbishop died on December 26, 2021.)

Both leaders have offered vision and encouragement to populations struggling to survive and remain hopeful under extreme authoritarian conditions. They give us perspectives on how they have kept their own states of mind healthy and joyful despite the suffering they have witnessed and walked through, and how they support others to do the same.

We may feel that we know what joy is. Yet the abundance of research on emotion and happiness throughout this book helps us understand more deeply what it is and how to cultivate it. Paul Ekman, emotions researcher, identifies twelve feelings associated with joy ranging from sense pleasure to wonder to gratitude. Mathieu Ricard describes joy as a state of rejoicing, delight or enchantment, and spiritual radiance.

While joy can spontaneously occur, we can also cultivate a more enduring state of it with practice.

Two of Tutu’s and the Dalai Lama’s five days of dialog were spent discussing the obstacles to joy. These include fear, stress and anxiety, frustration and anger, sadness and grief, despair, loneliness, envy, suffering and adversity, illness and fear of death. While it is necessary to recognize these as obstacles to the cultivation of joy, the Dalai Lama emphasizes that we should cultivate spiritual immunity not to avoid these states but to weather them more adeptly. Cultivating the pillars of joy develops a state of well-being that can support us through the storms of life that cannot be avoided.

Let’s have a look at these qualities, four of mind and four of heart, that can incline us toward a state of joy.

Joyful qualities of mind:

Pillar 1: Perspective

“With our mind we create our own world.” Gautama Buddha

The perspective pillar invites us to consider the ways that our circumstances, however challenging, may offer gifts or opportunities that would have been less likely had “misfortune” not happened. We are invited to consider that at any moment there are many ways to look at an event. Some will incline us toward suffering. Others will incline us toward joy.

The Dalai Lama offers a stunning example in his view that the loss of his home country and living in exile is an opportunity. He shares that if he had continued living in Tibet he would have required immense protection and effectively would have lived in a cage to keep him safe. In exile, he says, he can travel freely and have much greater connection in the world than if he had remained in Tibet, his home. This is a tremendous example of how perspective can help us find the “blessing in the curse”.

Thupten Jinpa, the Dalai Lama’s translator of 30 years and Buddhist scholar who was present for the five-day conversation, suggests that to practice perspective, we look back on something difficult that happened in our life and list all of the good things that resulted from it.

Pillar 2: Humility

The humility pillar invites us to recognize ourselves as neither superior nor inferior to others. The cultivation of this mindset can help us experience more connection.

The Dalai Lama offers that if he thinks of himself as something special when he talks with others it would cause a sense of separateness and superiority that would lead to feelings of isolation.

A Tibetan prayer goes, “Whenever I see someone may I never feel superior. From the depth of my heart, may I be able to really appreciate the other person in front of me.”

From Desmond Tutu we get that humility is the recognition that our gifts are from God. Humility allows us to celebrate the gifts of others, but it does not mean you have to deny your own gifts or shrink from using them.

He notes, “We are among the thousands who are the future of humanity.” All one. None higher. None lower.

Pillar 3: Humor

If you see the Mission Joy film, the documentary on these five days of dialog, it is easy to see the Dalai Lama and Archbishop as a comedy team as much as two great spiritual leaders. They really enjoy poking good-natured fun at each other.

The Archbishop shares that telling jokes was a way to shift morale during the height of the apartheid struggles, even at funerals where people had been killed by police. He suggests especially self-denigrating humor was helpful to diffuse tensions with crowds and police standing not far away, where anything could erupt at any moment.

He says, “When the Dalai Lama and I tease each other it is a statement of trust in the relationship and the goodwill that is in it. Rather than putting each other down, we can invite each other to stand together and laugh at me and laugh at you.”  We laugh about our shared humanity, vulnerabilities and frailties. Laughter is how we come to terms with the ironies, cruelties and uncertainties we face.

One way to get into the hearts of people is by making them laugh, the Archbishop demonstrates beautifully.

Pillar 4: Acceptance

The fourth pillar of a joyful mind is Acceptance, the willingness to live life on life’s terms and to soften the anxiety, despair, denial and unskillful behaviors we might engage in to resist things as they are.

“Why be unhappy about something if it can be remedied? And what is the use of being unhappy if it can’t be remedied?” Shantideva as quoted by the Dalai Lama

“We are meant to live in joy,” the Archbishop tells us. This does not mean that life will be easy or painless. “We must turn our faces to the wind and accept that this is the storm we must pass through. We cannot succeed by denying what exists.”

At the same time we recognize acceptance is not resignation and defeat. The Archbishop’s and the Dalai Lama’s activism comes from a deep acceptance of what is. Tutu did not accept the inevitability of apartheid, but he did accept its reality. Acceptance must precede wise action otherwise our actions may be rooted in delusion.

Meditation allows us to quiet distracting thoughts and feelings so we can perceive reality and respond more skillfully. To be present in each moment is nothing more than the ability to accept the vulnerability, discomfort, and anxiety of everyday life.

When we accept what is happening now, we can become curious about what might happen next.

Joyful qualities of heart:

Pillar 5: Forgiveness

The fifth pillar of joy and the first joyful quality of the heart is forgiveness. As the Archbishop says, “When we forgive we take back our fate and our feelings. We become our own liberator.”

We don’t need a research study to show us that humans have impulses for revenge. But they also have impulses for forgiveness and reconciliation. Chimps kiss and make up. Unforgiveness disrupts the immune system and stresses the whole group of social animals when there is rupture in binding relationships. Yet, forgiving is a very challenging prospect when we feel we, or our loved ones have been wronged.

The Archbishop has been deeply involved in forgiveness and reconciliation work following the dissolution of apartheid and the truth and reconciliation process that ensued. The Book of Forgiving is one that he wrote with his daughter, Mpho Tutu. It describes a healing process of working with the pain of betrayal by another person, group, society or life itself and coming over time to a place of forgiveness, having tended the pain and released its burden.

To forgive betrayal, to forgive atrocities, sometimes generational atrocities, feels for many of us like condoning the wrong, like surrendering our protest. However, it can also be seen as choosing a hopeful future after accepting a tragic past; to put down the stone of the pain that we experienced and consider the possibility of moving forward with less of it. That is the path the Archbishop proposes. In addition, he suggests that in the midst of conflict, with practice we can see the common humanity in the one who harms us. This is a challenging yet hope filled practice.

Forgiving cannot happen without the pillar of acceptance preceding it. Things are as they are and they have been as they have been. We must then tend to our pain from the past and the parts of us that have lost trust in humanity and faith in the possibility of something different. When they have been witnessed and comforted enough, from there we can consider a different way.  Nelson Mandela in his 27 years of incarceration at Robben Island prison, over time, began to see the humanity in the guards who abused him on a daily basis. He began to see the innocence in their true selves. Just like him, they too were born into a body. Just like him, they too had families. Just like him, they too wished to be happy.

Consider Desmond Tutu, witness of unconscionable violence and hatred on a mass scale. His solution is the Book of Forgiving and another called No Future without Forgiveness. Forgiveness does not mean that we don’t stand against wrongdoing. Forgiveness is the releasing, following tending to the pain. If we choose it, it is for us, for our freedom. Forgiveness is a vital step toward a future of peace.

Pillar 6: Gratitude

The sixth pillar of joy is gratitude. Much has been written and studied on gratitude as a practice that helps shift patterns of thinking toward appreciation and away from complaint, criticism or despair. As Doug Abrams puts it, “While acceptance means not fighting reality, gratitude means embracing it. It means going from counting your burdens to counting your blessings.”

While the Dalai Lama regularly exclaims, “I am fortunate to be alive. I have a precious human life. I am not going to waste it,” and the Archbishop frequently reacts to new experiences by declaring, “Wonderful!” It can be good to go gently into the waters of gratefulness and gradually cultivate this mind state if it’s new.

Brother David Stendl-Rast, another elder spiritual leader of our time, shared a beautiful video called “A Grateful Day”. In it he suggests, “You think this is just another day in your life. It’s not just another day. It’s the one day that is given to you. Today. It’s a gift. It’s the only gift that you have right now. And the only appropriate response is gratefulness.” 

Take a minute and consider what is here for you that you didn't have to work for. For example the sky. If you happen to be up in the morning before the sun, you might take in the eastern sky or the pre-dawn sounds before the sun rises. These gifts are here for us just for waking up.

Pillar 7: Compassion

Compassion is the seventh pillar of joy. This is the feeling of care that we experience when we witness suffering and feel moved to see it relieved.

Per the Dalai Lama, “Over the last three thousand years, different religious traditions developed. All these traditions carry the same message: the message of love (compassion).“

“We are wired to be other regarding. We find satisfaction and joy increasingly elusive when we care only for ourselves,” shares the Archbishop.

Research confirms that a long-term meditation practice reduces focus on self. These two masters of compassion seem to suggest that we not wait for 20 years to pass on the cushion. We can begin to practice moving from the collapse of self-absorption toward the ripple of compassion by choosing to offer our kindness to another person or ourselves.

Moreover, compassion is contagious. When we see others being compassionate we are more likely to be compassionate as well. Research confirms this ripple effect extends two to three degrees of separation.

In the IMP community we are fortunate to have Chris Germer and a collection of Mindful Self- Compassion practitioners. As Abrams notes, self compassion is the fundamental basis for compassion for others. It’s hard to love others as you love yourself if you don’t love yourself. Self- compassion can help us cultivate care toward ourselves which is very different from the negative escapism of self- absorption that the Dalai Lama and Archbishop warn against. It is a loving, accepting presence with ourselves.

We might practice compassion wherever it is easiest, with ourselves or with others, and grow our practice from there.

“The incredible thing is that when we think of alleviating other people’s suffering, our own suffering is reduced. This is the true secret to happiness.” The Dalai Lama

Pillar 8: Generosity

The fourth pillar of the heart and final pillar of joy is generosity.

Once we have cultivated the qualities of mind and heart that incline us toward joy, it only makes sense that we would feel inspired to offer our joy to others.

Generosity as well as compassion are some of the vital threads weaving relationships and communities together. In Buddhist communities there is the practice of dana, of giving as a way of sustaining the work of teachers who traditionally have received no actual income. The practice of offering dana is taught as a practice to cultivate generosity. 

Jinpa suggests three kinds of generosity: “Material giving, giving freedom from fear (protection, counseling or solace), and spiritual giving (giving your wisdom, moral and ethical teachings, and helping people to be more self-sufficient and happier).” We have options when we wish to offer generosity.

“The dead sea receives fresh water but it has no outlet. It receives and does not give. We are much that way too,” says the Archbishop. If we receive and do not give, we may be inclined toward stagnancy. “In the end generosity is the best way of becoming more joyful.”

Additionally, Richie Davidson in his research has identified that generosity is one of the four fundamental brain circuits that map with long term wellbeing.  Generosity causes reward centers of our brains to light up as strongly when we give as when we receive, sometimes more. 

It seems that compassion and generosity, qualities that hold relationships in good health, are at the center of what makes our lives joyful and meaningful. We are wired to engage in these behaviors. Nature wants us to be generous and kind.

Undesignated pillar: Community

I would add a ninth pillar to this work of these great masters. That is the pillar of community. Both the Archbishop and the Dalai Lama live in vast, rich communities where there are networks of care and beings practicing these pillars together. Throughout these dialogs they repeatedly emphasize our impact on and need for each other.

The Archbishop implores, “You can’t survive on your own. If you say you are going to be totally selfish, in next to no time the person who is totally selfish goes under. You can’t flourish without other human beings. And so we speak of Ubuntu. A person is a person through other persons. It’s the most fundamental law of our being. We flout that – we flout it at our peril.”

It is as though community is so woven throughout these pillars that its necessity as a pillar on its own was overlooked. However, in these times of social isolation, it feels important to further emphasize the importance of each other. Community, as is said throughout the book, is our nature. We are social beings who need each other. As the Archbishop reinforces with the beautiful word “ubuntu”, I am because you are. We belong to each other. Many of these practices presume another in reflection if not in interaction. As is repeatedly borne out in the happiness research, connection matters. When we thrive, we thrive together. Our joy is often joy in relation whether we are practicing humor, compassion, forgiveness, generosity or any of the other pillars. Let us include community as a vital pillar of joy.

The Book of Joy offers a section of practices which is worth your study. I hope you are able to cultivate more joy and to share it through your consideration of these ideas.

The film

https://missionjoy.org

The book

https://doug-abrams.com/the-book-of-joy

“A grateful day” by Brother David Stendl-Rast

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